Monday, November 2, 2009

the end

I can shut out the noise of the city sometimes, walking the back streets to the lower east side, getting lost in my own footsteps. I walk in the street, along parked cars. I think of him, but perhaps this has just been as natural to me as breathing for the past three years. I suppose admitting this may help me move on from it finally.

I sought out a psychic last night, leave it to me to only engage in these specific acts when I am suffering from the loss of love. The last time I sought someone out of a more in tune nature was several years ago after a lover of mine and I had split after living together. We’d known each other since high school, and the loss seemed monumental at the time. I have loved many people, and have been quite surprised by my capacity to love but only been in love with two people. I suppose I wanted desperately to be in love with Jae this year for that would cure me of my undying love for him. It would change my sexuality again, rearrange itself since he awakened in me a passion for a man I’d never felt before. It was only logical I return to women afterward.

The pain attributing to my overwhelming craziness this year. She didn’t say what I wanted to hear of course, which was that he could love me again. I suppose I wanted affirmation on whether or not to fight for him, but what I received was a firm no. At least she was kind about telling me the truth, and not necessarily something I wanted to hear. That isn’t true though. I wanted to hear what could be the truth because someone outside of my world had to tell me. Not only that but she told me that he never gave me his heart completely, which must be of some truth as otherwise he would have not been so swayed when his family got involved in the demise of our relationship.

It is the end and I can only accept it with a tight fist, a palm on the doorknob - an empty stare and a loud thump behind me followed by a thud. There is hope though, as always as life would be tedious without it. She did say there would be someone I would literally run into in and around March - to keep my eyes open. Who knows, maybe my next love is waiting around the corner somewhere. For now I’ll supply myself with all the golden love I’ve been giving everyone else.

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