Thursday, August 13, 2009

there must be some kind of way out of here

Dreams unleash possibilities, even those rendered as nightmares. I quaked in earlier days under a spell of distorted medication but it wasn’t pleasurable. It wasn’t as if I was seeing ghosts of a lover past, or hallucinating myself into magical places. My emotional well being was curled up in a ball, in the fist of my heart I could feel my soul dripping away into madness. I swept my skin over the past like a lonely woman of a desperate heart club, wanting to grab onto anything that I could remain still for. But is stillness necessary in life, just as patience? I am not a still person, not planted in the ground, or destined for soil. My soul is that of a gypsy and when submerged in a drowning pool of depression my thoughts began to wander to a places I didn’t know existed inside of me. While drunk I slipped onto the subway, staring gingerly into space and laughing - my hair curled into tiny tendrils. There is something familiar about the splinter of yellow, and orange lights and although the anxiety that had been plaguing me, even the anger began to swell I let my thoughts be consumed by drunkenness and the idea of meeting a new lover.

There is no love in my life except that of a river of ghosts. I will never forget that line from an deep, dark middle eastern movie where the woman says, ‘my heart is like a train at every stop someone gets on, and off’. On Monday I am crazed for my desire for Jae, my mind cannot think of anything else although these feelings were bound to make a headway at some point they evolve like an volcano about to explode. I am on the verge of screaming when we begin to argue while I am standing on an outdoor subway platform. I wonder if she knows that she has manipulated me, been unable to let me go and yet unable to pull me in. this isn’t an abnormal pattern for me. I did this for years after all, and loved that woman through all the madness of our hearts (even still). It is true I would not have cared as deeply had that drug the doctor so readily prescribed even saying that it was my friend (what a mysterious joke) had not been in my system. She tells me she wants me, that she is attracted to me, that I am an amazing catch but that she cannot be with me now. This is destined to be our story, and maybe I should be more hopeful but it shouldn’t be this hard to connect, to come together. What you can’t shake is sometimes destined to simply be nothing. I learned at an early, and even unforgivable young age that despite your desire, and pull towards someone whether you were intertwined in another life holds no meaning to whether your story will conclude in this life.

I’ve never had one of those straight and narrow paths like some people who go through life without an ounce of discord. We all have stories, of course and recently I discussed with a friend who has been through many of the same things as myself why it is that we seem so unafraid of those normal things others are so bothered and frightened by. I can tell Jae I want her without much fear about it because I have already suffered the worst sort of pain. I did in a chilly way ask if she was attracted to me, and she looked at me with ravenous eyes and said ‘I think you’re gorgeous’ but this isn’t enough - not for me. I should plow our story into the ground now before it erupts into another heartbreak. I have an unabashedly obsessive nature. I won’t even pretend that my passion cannot make headway into other emotions, and feelings. I have thrown lamps, phones, bottles, crashed walls with my fist. I suppose it is that initial feeling that is hardest to shake since I only had experienced it once before when I was fifteen - but that should have been my warning to stay away. We are destined to repeat our mistakes until we get them right.

I wonder though if it is that I am still so in love with Christi that I have projected all my left over feelings for her onto Jae because they’re resemblances are beyond the physical - even their behavior is what is of a comfortable nature to me. In a diner in the mid twenties on the east side my mom looked up at me and said ‘you are still in love with Christi’. it wasn’t a question, it was simply an observation but my heart stopped, and tears welled in my eyes. Do we ever learn how to get over a love that felt so grand and yet still felt so unconsummated between all the lies and miscommunication? I know my love for her could still set fire to us, if only I felt she could be with me. I know that our love affair is dead, especially now that she will not speak to me. I do not think we have gone this long without speaking since our initial breakup, and I suppose it is for the best as she has hurt me so many times maybe this will open the door to a new love, and less heartbreak. I do not know if my love for her will ever be trumped as I could never tire of her. I do feel a conscious hatred for her, and her brutal and brave honesty in telling me that I am her other half, and yet being unable again to be with me - but this seems to be my destiny with women like this. Is ten years of love turned to a drain when it no longer runs like a deep, and sounding river?

I imagine my story with Jae with similar resentment already. As I see our story played out in my mind the moment we met, like a flash of negatives framed by fractions of light - playing like an old movie with twisted words, and brief and then hungry kisses. A passion of moments that is or is not destined to play out in our reality - but as I once tried to explain this to her it sounded quite inadequate to what I had already seen. Maybe these were just dreams long past, a life that was lived in another universe, another time. It is her distance that draws me and contains me. I cannot pull her towards me if she does not desire me with as much longing as I desire her, and in the end my resentment would ruin us anyway. This much I am already aware of. Why doesn’t this stop me? I said Monday to her in a matter of fact way that I would not stop pursuing her until I felt I had quenched my desire, and as pushed as her ego may have gotten it is my own selfishness that speaks. I will not give up until it is no longer a part of my thoughts. It does not mean that she is everything but she takes a key place. I will pursue my other options as my reality senses Jae and I will not be together for ages, maybe years, maybe never. I do not understand these people as I am so open to love, to giving it that I am always willing to accept that their love may not be as great as my own - but I can live with that. That seems to be the curse of people who feel much, and who dive into the ocean of the unknown or is it all already known?

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