I think I may be slightly in love with her although I don’t know how this is even possible, as love has never struck me like this. Maybe it is just a powerful and even violent degree of lust? I expected so readily not to hear from her, and in a way as painful as the idea felt it gave me some sort of comfort to think this torture would end. It is true I have as much control over this situation as she does, but I cannot walk away or dismiss things as easily as she can. Maybe it is because my life has been a constant stream of seasons (events) and I cannot fathom her being a season and not a lifetime. I wonder if I will look back on these writings and feel frightened or even pity for my former, lustful self. Her latest message affected me so much that in the middle of dinner I simply stopped speaking to my mother who hadn’t seen me in a few days. A close friend constantly tells me that she will not disappear but I rarely take this idea to heart, as she has dismissed me for months before seemingly dismissing me from her system as easily as yesterday’s underwear. It is worse since I described certain events that had happened to me as a child, and then to think that she avoided me at this party because she couldn’t explain her mood to me is such an ugly, and devoid of emotion cop out. I still feel like this pathetic, wimpy little girl and I know I am not this person but I have no idea why this woman pursues me so religiously, and yet does not want to be with me. I was the storm she wanted to live through, the woman she wanted to run away with. Were all these things lies? Did I manifest our connection like some lonely soul who is in dire need of a a body to protect her from the cold winter nights? I cannot think of myself as that pitiful since my options have never been all too slim. I want to tell her I’ve slept with someone, and I wonder if this will make her feel less than what she already feels or doesn’t feel for me and the thrill of causing her any sensation of pain lingers inside of me momentarily that I contemplate throwing the fact out there just as some brutal test, another declaration of how little she means to me (which is untrue as I would drop anyone and anything to be with her).
Her initial message was spread with an apology for Sunday, for this obvious disregard for me. I told her that I am invisible to her, some lanky ghost she barely sees which she denied - and maybe there is truth in both sides for it is obvious that she thinks of me even if briefly in a guilt stricken sort of way. I am desperate enough to take this attention for now but this cannot sustain me for much longer. I haven’t cried over this, not in the traditional cry my eyes out sort of way. I haven’t watched sullen movies to get my emotions out although I did watch ‘walk the line’ recently and became grief stricken enough to cry slightly for my loves lost and the one I cannot seem to have. I even told Jae once I would wait for her, wait till she was ready to be with me - but this is useless as she already left me once and to my surprise to be with someone else. I only learned this recently as I’d never expected it nor anticipated such an odd betrayal of emotions. I would never had continued to pine for her at those initial stages of loss if I had known she wasn’t contemplating the loss as much as I was. Although she never said a word about it, all those times we ran into each other. I do not even know where this woman falls into the timeline but it does not seem fair to hold it completely against her as I ended up dating Sal out of loneliness. On the short topic of crying I let myself cry this evening, not for long but my mind began to wander sadly to these places that she brings me in my mind. Rejection linked with abandonment are prominent here, and I almost feel like the rain is a blessing to disguise my tears.
I walk home, brushing my feet along the sidewalk and think about sex with this other woman, a much older woman and it was wonderful but it lacked the passion I need in order to survive in anything. I won’t forget her, nor ignore her but I fear my heart is taken and what is one to do when that is so obviously the case? I wonder if Jae saw me leave with this woman, for I was too drunk to remember not that it should matter since she gets some sort of pleasure out of my misery. I wouldn’t be surprised if I bedded more women in this state of mind, although I’ve never considered myself that type of woman I feel like the farther away I get from these feelings the easier it will be to say goodbye. My mom was kind enough to put in her two cents tonight but I still cannot help but feel foolish. Why am I reliving these foot steps Christi perfected for me years ago? It is obvious I am learning but I still don’t understand this let go process, especially when my heart has not had the challenge of attesting to all these feelings. At least with Christi even though I discovered later on how much I loved her, I’d had years of expressing everything I felt even if we did not end up as the lovers I had always thought we could be. This feels worse because there is a future not yet discovered, one that exists in some far off place and yet does not exist for me here. I am even beginning to think I am a bad lover although no one has said such a thing I can’t seem to keep my brain from thinking of her. Maybe it is that I don’t feel I am at my best unless I have genuine feelings for the woman.