Monday, October 12, 2009

gone gone gone

(I wrote this in DC)

I disposed of her last night, and it felt good. I don’t know for sure why I use this word dispose but it was as if I were putting out the trash. Why must someone who obviously does not care very much for me cause me so much pain, when there are so many people who love me? It just did not feel right anymore. I have to clean up the mess I made, and deleting her from everything felt like freedom. I do not even desire very much to attend any of the clubs she may linger at. I despise her desire to connect with me when she knows she has been menacing. It is disgusting. I cannot believe I fathomed being with this woman. I feel awakened. That restless feeling does not exist as it did. This trip to DC was exactly what I needed. I love modeling. I had forgotten, wrestled with ideas of never doing it again but now that seems so foolish. All I needed was to touch my spirit again, and see that the real love inside of me is my creative self. Once the creative self is fulfilled everything else beats to it’s rhythm. I have missed you soul. I have missed you heart. I have missed you strength. I want to cry for everything I have been missing, but I feel like me again and for that I am more grateful than anything.

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