Tuesday, October 27, 2009

kings and queens

Some people are born with the ability to be cruel. They may not even be consciously aware of it but it thrives inside of them at the core, like some disrupted volcano about to burst. I cringe inside, battling the war of my own mind and the crippling sense of another. I certainly wish I hadn’t taken that psychology class years ago that began to define my way of dealing with certain personalities, even when I truly once devoured the personality till I was raw with hunger. I let myself believe in the most impossible things, especially when someone gives me hope that it can exist. It is true that we are all separated by the selfish and the unselfish. I had never seen it that way till a friend pointed it out. Sad since him and I seem to be in a boat of self exploration and at times pity. I used to think I was too sensitive, and in ways I may be but the truth is some people are just cruel.

I cannot listen to the reports about Afghanistan as effortlessly as I was this summer because the closer the date comes to Will’s death the more I distance myself. Every soldier that dies reminds me of him. While walking the other day I saw a man in camouflage and I gasped. I wonder when I will stop seeing these men as a reminder of my own scars. I do not mean to look at them that way. It is just that I cannot help it. The only men I’ve loved wore a uniform and once you’ve suffered the mind fuck of wondering if your lover will come home alive, or in a body bag it changes you. My mind is not the same as other women. Awaiting a phone call at three in the morning just so you can hear the persons voice for a second or two. The way I used to cry after every hang up, and muffle my tears in a pillow. This has been on my mind so frequently lately, and I wonder if Luke thinks of me at all. It was only last year that we still wander into each other’s minds and hearts. I suppose in ways every woman I have been with this year was just another way of distancing myself from the all time heartbreaks. Finding love and losing it. Always having love and watching it slip away to a deep dark grave.

In the end Jae, Sal, Dana they were all things to fill me up and let me down but real love is so unforgettable.

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