Monday, October 26, 2009

There's an emptiness inside her

The curve of the trees bark, the limbs turning into bright yellow leaves reminds me of a scarf tugged around a dark skinned neck. I’m always attracted to the deep crimson colored leaves, the ones as bright as fire. Perhaps it is the phoenix in me. I love the way it balances against a bright blue sky, perched there – popping out as some 3D motion picture. In college I used to walk the paths that held the most leaves, and let them cascade over my boots. Always with my head down, watching their movements I could have cared less about actual interaction with another human being. I’ve never quite fit anywhere, except in the arts. All the education I’ve had has simply prepared me more for life, but not actual work in anything else. I used to drag myself into the bathroom down the hall from a history class and cry on my cell phone to my best friend at the time. I hate those rooms with false lighting, and the girl across from me throwing me a dirty look because her guy friend flirted with me.

Why have I always felt like I’m suffocating? It’s always the walls closing in, the sky wrestling against me. I once wanted to tattoo a bird on my shoulder, but maybe wings would be better. The longer I stay in New York the more stuck I feel. I hate this feeling because I’m not sure where it began, or how to stop it. I wish I could adventure into my brain and pull out the insanity that guides me, the rough spots that mutilate me. I joke that I am an alien awaiting my mother ship but there is an emptiness inside of me that has been there forever. I miss my lover who used to tell me I was like fire but that romance has been long gone, although its misery is so intertwined in my work I can see its absence everywhere. Someone once told me I had too many lovers, although it couldn’t be more untrue. I have slept with many people but loved few. Unfortunately when I love it is permanent. This may not be unfortunate except that love is never forgotten for me even if it is in the sense of friendship. All love easily consumes me, becomes a ribbon connecting my heart and soul together – my physical self only being the vessel to hold it all.

There are many connections in my life I have not completely understood. I hate to say I regret anything but in retrospect I wish I had been more open to my relationship with Christi. It is probably this relationship that has had the most impact on me. Odd to say that it was in fact the one that made me colder since it is the one where I loved the most, and almost perversely unconditionally. She never did quite love me the same way although she professed that she did and there is a certain amount of proof that she loves me, and always will it was not enough. How can a sliver of what I felt have been enough? Four years struck a harder and thicker core with me. My soul is just a bit more evolved than most people I have loved. I am not quite as afraid of falling, or jumping. I figure life is going to hurt you. When I do come off as cold it is only because I am warming up on the inside.

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